Don't Overreact
The jealousy you're experiencing is probably making you a little crazy. Remember, it's not an attractive quality — it's even a bit of a turn-off and may make your guy think twice about being with you. The truth is, you're most likely blowing the whole thing out of proportion in your head, so try to curb the jealous reactions and realize your guy only has eyes for you.
Don't Stress
People have a habit of spending their time stressing over what could happen, rather than what actually is happening. So don't forget to enjoy the moment. Instead of worrying about her, why don't you just try to enjoy him? Your guy is the one you should be daydreaming about.
Be Honest
It may sound scary to share your true feelings — but if you tell your guy you're feeling a bit threatened by his last girl, he is bound to reassure you that you're the one for him. His pep talk may be just what you need to realize that you have nothing to worry about.
Be Nice
She's still in the picture? Then kill her with kindness. If you and your guy run into her at a party, smile. Ask her how she is and what she's been up to. Be sweet and genuine (or at least appear to be). It will mean less drama and your guy will be impressed with how calm and mature you are.
Be Realistic
You may be overcome with jealousy about his ex, but you aren't seeing what is really going on. Guys are pretty straightforward — he is with you because he wants to be. If he still wanted her, he would be with her, or at least be trying to get her back. She may seem perfect in your eyes, but she isn't perfect for him.
Sidebar: The Psycho Ex
So maybe this ex of his is a little bit nuts. Borderline stalker? She's calling him over and over at all hours. Maybe she's even got your number and is harassing you. The solution: Ignore her. She's trying to get a reaction out of you, and if you don't give her one, she's bound to stop. So just suck it up and keep quiet. If this doesn't work, contact your local authorities.
Date: First afternoon of high school. Location: freshman year World History. Row: first. Outfit: Striped Ralph Lauren polo shirt, Dockers khaki pants, gray New Balance shoes. My mood: In love. True, true, love.
In high school, I was hopeless around guys. The kind of hopeless where saying “hi” in the hallway requires more nerve and energy than freeing hostages in a war-torn country. I pined after this particular boy every day for four years. And, while I can’t remember to take an Advil when I have a headache, I remember most of our conversations with a ridiculously manic fervor.
Freshman year, we had World History and gym together. It took me four months to concoct this plan in my fourteen-year-old mind: buy a packet of Cert mints. Casually open packet at beginning of class. Offer him one. Three days passed between buying the mints and offering him one. When I finally did, my hands were sweating buckets. I’m surprised I didn’t dissolve the mints.
Gym class was a disaster. There was a particularly athletic idiot (she was perfectly nice, but because she was athletic, she was of course, an idiot) who would do forward bends and show off her volleyball-toned butt in our class. I made the decision not to call attention to myself in any way. I was simply horrific at every gym class activity—I would even lose my balance while sitting on the bench. I prayed that he would not notice my existence at all—that, come World History, he would have no idea the same brilliant, mint-offering girl was even in his gym class.
Sophomore year, we had US History together. By some miracle of miracles, I was seated between him and his best friend. I became the messenger of all their inside jokes—and the girl from whom he borrowed a pen. I cherished each moment our fingers touched—a magical spark flowing body to body through a plastic Bic.
Junior year, we had religion class together. I sat behind him. By 16, I had gained confidence—enough to engage in conversation about Spring Break and pass colored pencils back and forth to correct quizzes. Just as I thought our colored pencil banter was enough to get him to ask me to Junior Prom, a big, ugly bomb dropped: my genius, Ivy league-bound prince charming was in a relationship--with the prettiest, most unintelligent girl alive. I know because I once peer-edited her Shakespeare essay. She spelled “died” “dyed.” More than once. I wanted to puke all over them both.
The relationship continued through senior year, and I slowly began to let go of my first true love. We graduated, and almost two years passed before I saw him again at a party. I immediately felt the same longing pangs of lust I had felt as a high school freshman—but this time, I had the confidence of a college sophomore. We started talking, and…
Nothing happened. I had a boyfriend and we were both there to catch up with friends. I still have a major crush, of course. But it’s the type of high school crush that makes you wish you could go back to World History and dominate with the supreme wit and confidence you possess at 19.
Oh, and by the way, I can’t name his name because I still believe we will someday get married.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done to talk to a crush? Do you still get weak at the knees when you talk to boys?
XOXO
Molly Fedick
Editorial Intern
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I’m a pretty decisive person when it comes to making big choices. (But, it can take me centuries to decide if I'm in the mood for a latte or green tea) A few years ago I woke up one morning and knew I had to break up with my boyfriend of two years. He wasn’t the jealous type or too needy. He didn’t treat me badly and I didn’t have a crush on anyone else. Suddenly, I just felt suffocated. There wasn’t a distinct reason to end it other than I just wasn’t "feeling it" any more.
It was the end of my senior year in high school and I hadn’t been single since the eighth grade. I knew I was due for a change. While I cared about him a lot, I knew I wasn’t doing myself (or him) any good by staying in a serious relationship I didn’t want to be in. So the next day, I broke up with him.
Of course, it was hard to convey all of this to him because I really couldn’t find an answer myself. It seemed so "it's not you, it's me." Months (and even years after) he still didn’t understand. While it was much more difficult than expected, the more time that went on, the more I understood that it was the right choice for me. I needed to grow and I needed to assure myself that I could be happy on my own, without a boyfriend.
Unlike every other couple we knew, we didn’t break up when he went to college a year before me. We survived the entire year while he was away at school and I was in high school. In fact, it wasn’t hard to stay together at all while he was away. So, me breaking up with him when he came home for the summer felt so selfish.
Now, I have no regrets about this. In many ways, college single helped me transition to the new changes better and be more independent. I met so many great people and learned a lot about myself.
Tell me, what do you think about breaking up with a great guy? Have you? Was it hard to explain? Did you feel guilty?
xoxo,
Michelle Toglia
Web Intern
Last spring, I met this guy while studying abroad in Prague, and while the kind-of-sort-of hooking up thing we had going on for the second half of the semester should have ended when we returned to the U.S., it didn't. While we had long established that he didn't want a relationship and I didn't want one with him, there always seemed to be something there. Long story short, it only ended almost a year after this whole emotional mess began, after I realized there was a good chance he wasn't only lying to me then, but had been all along.
I don't know which is worse — that he lied to me, or that I was blindsided by the realization that he had. I spent months defending him — and my decision to give him something close to a second chance — to my friends, only to see that they were the ones who were right about him all along. At this point, I’ve been in a few relationships, had a few awkward hookup situations, and been on my fair share of first dates, but I think this is the first time a guy has lied to me to this extent, and realizing that I was entirely wrong about him isn't a good feeling. Realizing that some of what contributed to me feeling this way was lies was even worse, and only made me angrier about the way things had turned out.
Now, I'm not only wondering what I could have possibly missed, but I'm still trying to figure out what he else was lying about and what might have been the truth. I'll spare you most of the details, but while we went to different colleges and spent a lot of time not speaking to each other during the course of all this, I never once thought I had a reason to question anything he was telling me.
But even beyond that, I keep wondering if I'm supposed to forgive him for this. I've already done that once in the past, but forgiving someone for being immature and for lying are two different things — especially since he's not exactly apologizing this time around. So I can't help but question if I have to be the bigger person here. I think I'm allowed to be frustrated that he hasn't even bothered to offer me an explanation. I'm not holding my breath for that, or an apology for that matter, so while I've moved on, I'm not planning on forgiving him for doing something so hurtful anytime soon. You just can't forgive a guy who lies to you about something big, and that applies here too. I'm a big believer in second chances, but it takes a lot for me to give you a third.
So why am I telling you this? Because sometimes, it's okay to not want to forgive someone for something that hurt you. Sometimes, if it hurt that badly, it's okay if you don't want to be the bigger person. And sometimes, if you realize that what he did isn't right, it's that much easier to move out and move on.
Has anything like this ever happened to you? What did you do?
Whitney Portnoy
CosmoGirl Photo Intern
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Guys! When will they ever stop giving us trouble? During an IM session with a friend I’ve met while interning in New York, she mentioned that a guy she’s been seeing invited her to a concert.
“But I’m not sure I wanna go!” she typed. “What should I say?”
I asked her why she didn’t want to go.
“I’ll ask him if it’s expensive,” she typed. “I don’t feel like paying $70!”
I stared at the screen in shock. A guy had invited her somewhere—shouldn’t he be responsible for the tickets? I’m all for feminism, but somewhere between burning bras and demanding an equal paycheck traditional dating faded away in favor of this “pay your way” business. There is a reason guys love sports and cavemen loved hunting: they like the chase! Don’t deny him the fun of pursuing you!
I recently chose to end my relationship with my boyfriend, who I’d been going out with since November. All right, so he wasn’t Chace Crawford as a Peace Corps worker, but one thing I’ll never complain about is his devotion to chivalry. He always paid and never made me feel bad about it. In fact, I always admired the way he treated all girls like ladies, even going so far as to carry heavy things for my friends, and my purse.
Look, if I want to see “Legally Blonde: The Musical,” I won’t pout till he opens his wallet. But it troubles me that so many girls feel that if they don’t pay their share, they’ll owe something to the guy in return. This, of course, refers to sexual favors.
Since when did a dinner cost a make-out session?
This is perhaps the most frightening notion I’ve come across since I had to admit “Gossip Girl” is not reality.
In all seriousness, I worry for our generation. We do not owe any guy anything, no matter what he has done or bought for us. The idea that a trip to the movies must automatically lead to hooking up is horrifying. Dating is about getting to know someone’s personality. And how do you know if he will treat you right later on if you jump right into the physical aspect of the relationship? In order to gauge a guy’s devotion to you, you must let him for you and then drop you off at your house if that is all you want.
Girls, do yourselves a favor and let him open his wallet. Your presence in any guy’s life is enough. What would he be doing if he weren’t with you? Sitting at home watching the game? Doing laundry?
If you want to repay him, bake him cookies. Rent him his favorite movie. Don’t make him feel bad when he wants to go out with his friends.
But for God’s sake, let him pay!
Do you pay for yourself on dates? Do you think the notion is old-fashioned? What is the price of love these days? Let me know!
XOXO
Molly Fedick
Editorial Intern
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A short note scribbled on notebook paper, left on the windshield of your car. A 2 a.m. white mocha delivery during a chemistry cram session. A mixed CD full of outrageously cheesy love songs slipped into your purse after a stressful day.
I didn’t realize until recently how surprises from your significant other can seriously make your day. I know there’s tons of pressure for big to-dos on anniversaries and Valentine’s Day, but it’s everything in between that really counts.
I don’t think a girl should ever sacrifice her future for a guy (after all, my hard work got me this amazing internship!), but mastering the composition of a professional email sort of looses its shine when my roommates are sitting beside me, planning cute weekends in New York with their boyfriends on the phone. I want that too, but up until this point, I haven’t been able to figure out how to sacrifice enough of my time to make a relationship work.
My boyfriend and I are living in two different states for the summer – the longest time we’ve spent apart since we started dating a year and a half ago. Now that we’re 1,009 miles apart (not that I’m counting), it’s the little (and big) surprises that make the distance easier. Two weeks ago, I took a plane trip home and surprised him at his front door. The look on his face rivaled the best reactions on Punk'd. But even when I’m in New York and he’s in Florida, silly text messages in the middle of the day or listening to the CD full of Big Apple-themed songs he surprised me with before I left serve as little reminders that we’re thinking of each other.
But no matter if you live next door or in different countries, it’s definitely an easy thing to surprise your guy/girl. It doesn’t have to be anything cheesy or romantic, and it definitely doesn’t have to be expensive (an impromptu picnic in the park, anyone?) – it’s the unexpected aspect that makes it so special.
And of course, surprises don’t have to be limited to people in relationships. I’m pretty sure your friends – or crush – wouldn’t mind a couple cookies from the huge batch you baked last night.
Have you ever done anything to surprise a guy? What about surprises you’ve had happen to you?
xoxo,
Allyson Ayers
Editorial Intern
I have always been a girls girl. I put my girlfriends before any guy and this is the rule that I live by. I have always had amazing friends so choosing my friends over the dumb boys I liked was always an easy choice to make.
This year, however, I got in my first big relationship and I started spending more and more time with my boyfriend and less and less time with my girlfriends. I was so caught up in my relationship with my boyfriend that I didn't even notice how much I was drifting away from my friends. I was really busy with track and schoolwork so I hardly had any free time, but I spent all the free time that I did have with my boyfriend.
I quickly realized how much I missed my girlfriends, especially my best friend. We no longer had our late night talks where we would laugh and gossip forever, we never went to sushi on Sunday nights or took study breaks to watch Gossip Girl. We were no longer the first one that the other called when they were upset or having a bad day.
Once I realized how much I missed her, she had already started to give up on me. I tried to make an effort to spend more time with her but she was just frustrated that it had taken me so long and ignored my efforts to make our friendship the way it used to be.
It took time and a lot of fighting, a lot of crying and a lot of laughing, but we finally got back to our days of giggling all night long and stealing each others clothes and always, no matter what, being there for each other above any boy.
Have you ever had trouble balancing your boyfriend with your best buds? How do you stay close with your girlfriends when you have a boyfriend?
XOXO
Lindsey Schickner
Web Intern
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To say that my boyfriend and I have a long-distance relationship is a severe understatement. We haven't been in the same city since 2003, and in the past two years of our relationship, we've only been in the same place at the same time for four months.
We were high school sweethearts, but now we go to different universities that are 14 hours apart, and even endured four long months in separate countries when I studied in Italy. For us, long-distance is nothing new. Being apart during the summer?That's something I'm still getting used to .
Despite our distance during the school year, summer was always our time to reconnect. I always depended on those summer moments to carry me through the rest of the year when visits become few and far between. But this May, June, and July? We're spending our time in separate states.
Instead of sneaking off to the country club for an afternoon swim, or cuddling on the couch watching Food Network, we're desperately calling during lunch breaks, leaving voicemails, and trying our best to forget how far apart we are.
This past weekend though, he finally flew up to NYC! It was so amazing…I never wanted it to end. We took long walks around my neighborhood, strolled through a 15 block street fair, caught up on season four of "The Office", and talked for hours over dinner at Rosa Mexicano.
On our last day together, he even took me out in a rowboat on the little pond in Central Park. I kept quoting "The Notebook" and trying to take pictures…I think he was just afraid that I'd knock the boat over with all my commotion. It was one of my favorite memories of us to date.
When he left this morning, I have to admit I cried a little…okay, I cried a lot. I was sad our weekend in the city was over, but I can't wait to see him again. Sure, being apart for the summer has been tough, but we're making it work because for us it's worth the effort no matter the distance.
Now that I've shared my boy story with you, tell me, do you think long-distance love is worth the extra effort? Fill me in on how you keep close even when you're far apart!
Love in NYC,
Katie Law
Editorial Intern
I rarely quote Paris Hilton, but her quote “be the flame- not the moth” is one I always have seemed to agree with. It’s a metaphor saying that you should be the attraction, rather than the one swooning. That being said, I try not to chase after boys because after all, every girl would rather be chased!
Hence, while I enjoy being single, I find many of my friends in actual relationships and wonder if my high standards and reluctance to crush on a boy first is the result of my lack of long-term relationships. And furthermore, sometimes I think that having a steady boyfriend would be nice for Friday night movies and romantic nights out. However, I also assume that at 19, or any young age, a girl should focus on being a strong and independent person and just have fun rather than be tied down to one boy. After all, we all know how complicated life becomes as soon as a serious boy enters your world!
Yet with age comes maturity, and I’ve recently realized that I’m not the type to date several boys at one time, though in high school my girlfriends and I would joke about having ‘player status’.
So to me, what is better? To write off boys and dating completely? or to give in a little, and do a little chasing as well, in order to find a good significant other? It’s easier to say “be a mix of the fire and moth.” Yet how easy is that? Does it really work? And is it worth it?
xoxo,
Divya Bahl
Editorial and Business Intern
My boyfriend just left to spend the summer in Europe while I will be spending my summer in New York City. Six hours away, miles and worlds apart, it seemed to be the perfect time to take a break. We have been together for two years, which is a very long time for me, so it just seemed natural that we would take a little break over the summer and then see what happens. We care about each other too much to break up completely so we decided to just go on a break and be in an “open relationship.”
Now that we have already decided to take a "break", I don’t really know how to approach the idea. I miss him already and I don’t want this break to ruin the good thing we have, but at the same time, I’ve been with him for a long time and the idea of being single is kind of exciting. If you care about someone it’s hard to let them go because you're afraid you might not ever get them back. Going on a break is a tricky idea. Sometimes the time apart can make you appreciate what you have or make you realize that what you have isn’t actually as good as you thought it was. Sometimes it’s hard to get back to where you were after the time apart and sometimes it’s not. Even if you are really happy in your relationship, it's normal to wonder if there might be something better out there.
Taking a break can be a positive and healthy decision even though it may seem hard at the time. Hopefully everything will clarify and you will realize how good or bad your relationship is. The only thing you can really do is trust your gut!
Have you ever taken a relationship break and did it bring you closer together or push you farther apart?
XOXO,
Lindsey Schickner
Web Intern
There are four words that every girl should have in her vocabulary.
Repeat after me, CosmoGirl readers: You. Can. Have. Him. String those together and you have one of the best phrases in existence – and one you should use often.
For those of you who don't know – let me fill you in. Girls fight over guys. Big shock, right? Truth be told, it's pretty normal and most of it is relatively harmless. Friends will stop talking to each other because of some imaginary, male-induced tiff. Girls will go to lengths to get noticed. What's most disturbing, though, is when girls become completely nasty to each other – they'll lie, manipulate and threaten, just to get their way.
Sound like high school antics that end after graduation? Think again. College is just as bad.
I've seen a lot of it firsthand. I know of girls who have been followed home and yelled at. I've heard of many girls being threatened with physical violence. I've even seen girls be talked about by people whose names they don't even know. Nobody is immune, even if you don't talk about others – I've had people talking about me when they've never spoken to me. I've even been told that I was at events I wasn't attending – and apparently talking smack while I was there. While I often wish I could be in two places at once, that wasn't exactly the situation I was envisioning.
Girls talk about each other because they're jealous, feel inferior, or feel like they're behind the game. But, instead of the stakes being a high-class handbag or a pair of shoes, reputations and emotions are up for grabs.
Bottom line? This behavior is unacceptable. Enter the wonder of the phrase “you can have him.”
No guy is worth your dignity or the inevitable mudslinging that comes with fighting over him. As tempting as it might be to call the other girl an insert-expletive-here, you'll only be bringing yourself down to her level. The solution? Stop, sit back, and take the high road. Refrain from retaliation and, if at all possible, stop your friends from muttering “downgrade” whenever they walk past her.
In the end, the drama only brings you down and blinds you from the people who really matter. Don't get sucked into someone else's manipulation. Instead, realize how lucky you are to have friends who listen when you call and who will make fun of people for you – even if you won't.
My point is – proclaim the doctrine of “you can have him.” If you don't, you might miss when something even better comes along!
Have you ever had a girl talk about you to get her way? Do you think my advice will work?
Honest to blog,
Margeaux Lippman
Web Intern
Relationship experts, I need your advice! Although I’m a Libra, and I’m supposed to be balanced, my life is anything but. I suffer from the classic divide between whether to focus on a career or on a boyfriend.
Most girls grow up with either a successful career or a successful family. So far, at the age of 20, I’m on a one-way street to the career. I’m the kind of person who constantly needs to be busy. I’ve never gone more than three weeks without having a job, and if I’m not in class I’m running a club meeting or planning a sorority function. Sometimes it’s hard to find time for a shower, let alone dinner with the new guy in my English class.
I don’t think a girl should ever sacrifice her future for a guy (after all, my hard work got me this amazing internship!), but mastering the composition of a professional email sort of looses its shine when my roommates are sitting beside me, planning cute weekends in New York with their boyfriends on the phone. I want that too, but up until this point, I haven’t been able to figure out how to sacrifice enough of my time to make a relationship work.
It’s cost me big. While there are some guys who weren’t worth my time at all, I’ve passed up a few who were. Now that summer is here, and I’m in this amazing city, I’ve realized that I need more in my life than just work, work, work.
So tell me, how do you find time for yourself and for guys?
Bisous,
Devin
Editorial Intern
Studying abroad in Florence for a semester was everything it was cracked up to be— delicious food, warm people and breathtaking scenery. I walked to school to soak in the nice weather and neighborly vibes I got from the outdoor markets. There was something reassuring about people arguing over the prices of fresh produce.
One morning as I passed by the local high school, my ease was abruptly disturbed. I literally ran into a couple kissing. I’m not talking about the kiss on each cheek custom. I'm talking about a bona fide PDA session. (Think Chuck and Blair in the back of the taxicab) Around them stood a large circle of friends who were chatting and going about their business. They were completely unbothered by the fact that their two friends were eating one another’s face right before their eyes!
Confused and grossed out, I fled the scene and was early to Italian class for the first time. On day two, when I spotted touchy couple and company I crossed the street to avoid them. By day three, I considered taking the bus.
That weekend I noticed couples making out everywhere — parks, restaurants and even the supermarket. Still, Italians were not phased by the dramatic acts of public love.
The next week, the PDA-comfortable group didn’t irritate me at all. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t particularly enjoy watching people make out in public. In fact, in middle school I recall fully supporting a “no PDA” rule that my friend mandated to end couples being too touchy feely at her house. After seeing so much PDA, I decided it was pretty admirable that these teens were so relaxed with affection. Sure, it's somewhat strange, but I guess that's amore!
So tell me, what do you think about PDA? How much is too much?
Sealed with a kiss,
Michelle Toglia
Web Intern
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